Malaise

It hit me again today, this feeling. This is a well-known, though not welcome, acquaintance. It's inertia, malaise, the deep desire to curl up and do nothing, nothing except watch the world go by. It comes most often when I'm tired, when my list of obligations and responsibilities seems never-ending. Yet it's not a healthy thing, it's not a desire to rest, gain energy, and then to head out again... it's a feeling that every action is a burden. It's hard to describe- when this feeling taps me on the shoulder, I feel like there are weights on my arms and legs, and that the best thing in life would be to find a comfortable bed, pile up magazines and books, and never move from that spot again.

Part of this is circumstantial, I know- the aforementioned lack of sleep, and the times when I take in way too much sugar, so that I'm crashing and reaching for more candy or pasta and then repeating the cycle. After eating some vegetables and eggs tonight, I feel amazingly better. But it's deeper than that, because more than just bouts of fatigue, I feel like I'm out of sync with the rest of the people out there who want to do things. I don't want to do anything; I want to read, watch, and rest, and that's about it. This is not good, and I want follow this thing down to the root and then get it out.

Here is something that maybe is closer to the root: I see so many people who want to make things, who enjoy the process of creating. People build furniture; they cook gourmet meals; they write stories; they sew; they exercise, building their body; they build lovely, inspiring blogs; they compose; they paint. These all sound like chores to me, like tasks that have to be done, not things that I would want to do voluntarily. From time to time, a burst of creativity squeezes out of me, but not often. The couch and a book sound much more appealing (short-term, of course, not long-term: I would love to be the person who writes, who builds, who sews, who exercises). And I need to figure out if it's just that reading and watching the world and resting are truly the things that I enjoy the most, or if there's something I'm running from, something I'm trying to escape about myself.

I hope I can figure it out.

V.S. of A.

Vitriolic States of America.

That's what I've been thinking of these past few days, after Saturday's shooting of a Congresswoman and bystanders in Tucson, and as the media has exploded about the event, the aftermath, and the meaning.

I was all set to write quite a bit about this topic, until I read Kristin's post that said it a lot better than I can.

I cannot stand how ugly and inflamed political rhetoric has become in this country. Our government needs healthy debate, that's true; but the default today seems to be attacks ad hominem, and that creates a very hostile climate. Our political system also requires compromises, and you can't entertain the thought of a compromise if you see your opponent as the spawn of Satan and label him/her as such.

And yes, it does seem like this gunman would have acted on his own paranoid ideas even if things were completely calm and peaceful. And no, there shouldn't be laws that try to police language even more. This has to be a decision by the participants, to see opponents as humans and fellow citizens, and disagree with ideas, not with people. I hope that this chance for reflection isn't buried by people rushing to defend the status quo.

One thing I've deeply admired about President Obama, from his campaign to his presidency, is his determined attempt to be civil and polite to his opponents. There are many (many!) of his policies and actions that I disagree with, but his respectful tone, attempts to compromise and meet opponents halfway, and listen to ideas from all sides, are qualities that I wish every politician in Washington would emulate.

I hope our whole country will take this shooting tragedy as a reminder of how fragile the rule of law is, and how angry words create an atmosphere for violent actions to occur. That's something every citizen should keep in mind.

New York, someday....

It's a dream of mine to someday live in New York City.



Something about the millions of people, oceans of differences, shades of history, all packed together, pulls me deeply.



I'm not a person who makes things happen. New York City seems like a place where things can't help but happen, and then I'd be there in the midst of it.



It's just a daydream of mine. But it's one of my very favorites.

Toddler Psychology

What I heard when I picked up Madeleine from daycare today: "Madeleine had a very rough day". Oh, dear. I waited for J to elaborate and wondered what Madeleine had been up to. Apparently she made it her sport of the day to push and hit all the other kids she played with, scoff at timeouts, and even try to hit J when she was given a consequence. J was at a bit of a loss, and as we talked about it, I was too. I'm pretty sure Madeleine is doing this for the attention, even the negative attention she gets from consequences. It's tough because it's not something Brad or I can work with her on, because we're rarely with her when she's with other kids, and we give her quite a bit of attention by default at home. We don't focus on her all evening, but after being away from her all day, we play and talk with her quite a bit and there's not a lot of competition for our attention. So maybe at daycare (with a whole 2 kids and 1 adult!) she's seeking more attention. Or bored? Or testing boundaries? Or just plain spoiled?

Trying to figure out what's going on in a toddler's head is not an easy task, I'm finding. And it's equally as hard not to project my own thoughts/logic/weaknesses on her, and try to analyze things as if Madeleine were a mini-me. Example: as a kid I was devastated by any adult criticism, and so far Madeleine doesn't seem too fazed with our (or J's) disapproval. (That could be the age, though, too- she's still very concrete in her thinking, and I don't remember that far back in my own life. I was sensitive to criticism as an older kid, but maybe as a 2 year old I didn't care either.) And because Madeleine is so verbal, it's easy to think that I can reason all this out with her, but I'm finding that toddlers and reasoning don't always mesh. :-) But the cycle of disobedience-consequence-lather-rinse-repeat gets old fast and makes me wonder, what's the magic formula I'm missing? What do I say to turn my daughter into the little angel I know she could be?

Then I remember- that's not possible. She's human, and a small one at that. A little sinner to complement my bigger version. So I'll just keep trying to figure out the best ways to reinforce that we do what's right, and don't do what's wrong, over and over. And maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

If anyone has some good tips on the subject of disciple for toddlers, I'd love for you to share!

Mean Teacher

I'm going back to work tomorrow with my game face on. I've made a new seating chart, moving some disruptive kids right up under my nose or away from their friends, and I've got some new policies ready to enforce. I will be laying into the kids about their constant lack of supplies (they're always borrowing pencil and paper from me) and getting class started right on time. I've got a lunch detention policy lined up to help enforce these new, stricter rules.
I'm going to be the Grinch, and all the kids down in HMS-ville will all cry 'boo hoo!'. Heh, heh, heh.

New Year

I really love the start of each new year. I love getting things cleaned up, organized, and making lists of goals and tasks. This past week, being off from work, has been productive in organizing, and today I'm doing a few more tasks and just basking in the glow of my shiny new lists. Husband and I even went out to a coffeeshop last night and talked over our thoughts on 2010 and some goals for 2011, which was so soul-satisfying. (I used a great reflection questionnaire from Simple Mom, if you'd like to take a look.)
One interesting reflection on 2010, for me, was the realization that to-do lists and goals and organizing can actually turn into something negative. The more time and effort I spend in trying to get all my ducks in a row, the more worried and frustrated I get when things aren't turning out perfectly. It's an attempt to control life, and that never turns out well for me at all. :-) So this year, I will try to make lists and plans for my life, within reason, but also spend time talking with God about His plans for me.
A very happy 2011 to all of you!

Things I Loved about my 30th Birthday

So, most people who know me know that I wasn't looking forward to today.... I have NOT wanted to turn 30 (and I've been kind of a pain to older people whining about it a lot- which I'm sorry for doing!) But the day came, as days tend to do, and I have to say that I had a completely wonderful day today. It was about as close to perfect as days come. Here are some of the things I'm thankful for on my 30th birthday:

-rain, glorious pouring rain, AND a gorgeous, bright, double rainbow this afternoon!
-breakfast with my dear friend Candace (whom I've missed muchly since our schedules have been completely opposite the last few months)
-a good and ahem, interesting morning at church (our pastor is doing a series on sex, and there were topics discussed which usually don't get discussed in church. But it was good that they were discussed!)
-lunch with more good friends (Josh & Liz, Gina, Deric & Jessica) and the aforementioned pouring rain
-a fabulous pedicure with more friends! (Stacy, Jessica, Nikki) It included massage and lotions and designs on toes and was completely relaxing.
-coffee with the pedicure bunch!
-a relaxing evening with Mum and Dad (Brad's parents) and Stacy, watching the Oscars and watching Madeleine be her usual charming self
-which brings me to all the moments I was able to spend today with my beautiful, cute-as-a-bug daughter!
-lovely cards and some birthday shopping money from family!
-phone calls from my family
-snuggles with my dear husband
-a warm bed, a dry house, and spring break only a week away
-lots and lots of daffodils!

What a perfect birthday! :-) This bodes well for the rest of my 30s. I hope it's filled with adventures!