Sunday, November 13, 2005

Doing, not Becoming

On the topic of my last post, here is a post from a friend-by-extension (since we have mutual friends, but never have spent too much time together) that seems to say exactly what I've been thinking lately. I find myself thinking about God a lot, but hardly talking to Him. I find myself extremely busy with things that are all good, needful things- teaching and trying to do my job with excellence, tending to my house, helping with the high school group at church, spending time with Brad (my favorite!), talking to people... but if they take me away from the Source of life, how will I have anything to give any of these people? I go through cycles where I see this clearly, ask forgiveness and try to depend more on God, only to get swept back into the current again. The emptiness below my sense of capability and urgency shows itself once in a while, when I realize that for someone who would say without hesitation that my relationship with God is the most important aspect of my life, I sure don't act like it. What is it that I want? What does real, deep communion with God feel like? I feel like I've been trying to learn to swim in His presence my whole life, but I'm still fighting the motions and my head is bobbing underwater, making me cough and sputter. If I could just learn to move with His presence, it would be effortless and free... but my attempts to make the motions on my own leave me dog-paddling and choking like a small child, swimming for the first time.
May this week be filled with more moments where I stop to talk with God and float in His love and forgiveness.

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